I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
