hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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