I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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