can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
