ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
