I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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