I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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