You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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