I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
