I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
