my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
