Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
