piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
