Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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