the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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