I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
