how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
