i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
