Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
