Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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