The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
