I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
