Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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