If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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