Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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