Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
