have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
