Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
