I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
