Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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