You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
