We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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