I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
