it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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