Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
