Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
