this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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