i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
