went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
