when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
