I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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