His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
