I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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