Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
