Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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