Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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