I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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