I'm going to jail i love you
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
