Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
