oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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