No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
