I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
